Robert Greig "Office Furniture Guru"

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The fifty best jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe.(NB please do not click on the link if you are easily offended)

Let's start with a festive selection:

There are three stages in life:
1. You believe in Santa!
2. You don't believe in Santa!
3. You are Santa!!



Q. How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?
A. Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !

Q. What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?
A. The letter "D" !

Q. What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
A. Santa Claustrophobia !

Q. What do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite!

Q. What do snowmen have for breakfast?
A. Snowflakes!

Three guys pass away on Christmas Eve and are met by St. Peter.

St. Peter says, "In respect for the Season you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas."
The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out two lighters. He holds them up proudly and flicks them on.
"What do they symbolize?" asks St. Peter.
"They're candles!"
"Ah! You may pass through the Pearly Gates."
The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a couple sets of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes them.
"What do they symbolize?" inquires St. Peter.
"They're bells!"
"Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!"
The third man fumbles desperately through his pockets, finally pulling out a skimpy pair of silky woman's panties.
He holds them up proudly.
Puzzled, St. Peter asks, "What do they symbolize?"
"They're Carol's!"

A woman Christmas shopper sinks gratefully into a West End bar beside her pal and declares:
"I'm dreaming of a White Christmas! But if the white runs out, I'll drink the red instead!"

Q.Why does Santa go down the chimney?
A. because it soots him!

**************
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me exactly what you see."
Watson replied: "Well, Holmes, I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes said: "and what do you deduce from that?"
Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be the possibility of other forms of life."
And Holmes replied: "No, Watson, you idiot! It simply means that somebody has stolen our tent."
***********
The Sultan of Brunei was getting a bit cheesed off as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy then, when one of his wives presented him with his only son and heir. Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said,
"Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you".
His son replied, "Father, I would like an aeroplane".
Determined to impress, his father bought him British Airways. Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.
"Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son replied, "Father, I would like a boat".
Not wanting to let him down, his father bought him P&O Ferries. Just before his son's eight birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.
"Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, shall get for you."
His son replied, "Father, I would like something to watch films on".
Money being no object, his father bought him MGM Studios and their cinemas, where he watched all his favourite Western Movies. Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.
"Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son, who had caught the 'Western' movie bug, replied, "Daddy, I would like a cowboy outfit".
Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father went and bought him.............
.............................. the England football team.!!
***************
Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."
God asks Arnie first: "What do you believe?" Arnie thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans."
God can't help but see the essential goodness of Palmer, and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Nicklaus and says, "What do you believe?"
Jack says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life.
Like Arnold, I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields."
God is greatly moved by Jack's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right.
Finally, God turns to Woods: "And you, Tiger, what do you believe?"
Tiger replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
*****************
Gordon was a popular member at the golf club, but he just finished up a terrible round of golf and wasn't in a mood to visit the clubhouse after walking off the 18th green. So he headed straight out to the club car park and started changing his shoes.
Just as he was closing the boot of his car, a police officer spotted him. The policeman, stern-faced, walked over to Gordon and asked, ""Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about thirty minutes ago?"
"Yes," Gordon replied, "yes I did. Is something wrong, officer?"
"Did you happen to hook your tee shot?" the policeman asked.
"Yes, I did," replied Gordon.
"Did your ball fly over the trees and off the course?" the policeman asked.
"Why, yes, it did," said Gordon. "Why are you asking me these questions?"
The police officer replied in a very serious and stern manner: "Your ball, sir, flew out onto the dual carriageway and crashed through a driver's windscreen. That driver's car went out of control and spun into the central reservation, where five other cars hit it. Then a fire engine, that was racing to a fire, smashed into the pileup!"
The policeman's voice was rising with consternation. "The fire brigade couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down! All that because you hooked a tee shot!"
The policeman was red-faced, and he paused to catch his breath. "What do you think you should do about all this?" he finally asked Gordon.
Gordon was a sensitive man and an upstanding citizen. He thought it over for minute, then replied.
"Well," Gordon said, "I think I'll try opening my stance a little!"
**********************
The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from the prime minister of Israel.
"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "The Israeli prime minister wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his life. "Have we not," he asked, "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?"
"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal repied. "But ..." he said, deep in thought, "what if we offered to make Jack Nicklaus a cardinal? We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play the Israeli prime minister as your personal representative.
In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Nicklaus was greatly honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."
******************
The last time I went for a golf lesson, the Pro took a good long look at my swing before suggesting that I shorten my golf clubs by six inches.
"Will it improve my swing?", I asked.
"No!," he replied, "but it will make it easier for you to close the lid on your wheelie bin!!"
******
We had a Wimbledon selection:
To a tennis player "love" means you haven't scored yet.

You should never marry a tennis player, because, to them, love means nothing.

Q. How many tennis players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. "What do you mean it was out, it was in!!!"

Q: Where do ghosts play tennis?
A: On a tennis corpse!

Q: Why is a tennis game a noisy game?
A: Because each player raises a racket.(sic)

Q: Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A: When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

Two neighbours are out walking their dogs. One guy - a German shepherd owner - says 'Let's go in that bar over there and have a drink.'
The other - a Chihuahua owner - says 'They'll never let us in with the dogs.'
The first replies 'Just follow me', and dons a pair of sunglasses. When the doorman stops him, he says 'But, this is my guide dog', and is allowed in.
His friend does the same. The doorman says 'I've never ever seen a Chihuahua guide dog before' To which the guy responds 'WHAT! They gave me a damn Chihuahua?!'
***********
Two tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"
The girl leaned over the counter and said,. . . . . . "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrrr, Kiiiiiiiing."
************
A man goes into the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.She says "hello."
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my friends watching while your partner whipped my bottom with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly ---------,
"No, I'm your son's teacher!"
************
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."
***************************
Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."
"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
********
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"
******
While walking down the street in Edinburgh one day a Member of the Scottish Parliament is tragically hit by a bus and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around here, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.
"No problem, just let me in," says the MSP.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the MSP.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and blether about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the Scottish people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is very friendly who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the lift rises. The lift goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the MSP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The MSP reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the lift open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and rubbish.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and putting it in black bags as more rubbish falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder "I don't understand," stammers the MSP. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of rubbish and my friends look miserable. What happened?

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. ....Today you voted."
***
If at first you don't succeed - don't take up sky diving!

Why wont a rattlesnake bite a salesman? -- Professional courtesy!

Why does a new tie always attract the soup of the day?

Following the success of Welsh actresses Catherine Zeta Jones, Katherine Jenkins and Charlotte Church the Welsh film industry are going to remake some classic films:
9 1/2 Leeks, Trefforest Gump, Cwmando, The Lost Boyos, Dai Hard, an American Werewolf in Powys, The Eagle has Llandudno, A Fishguard called Rhondda, Dial M for Merthyr and the
Llanfairpwyllgwngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilligogogoch that Time Forgot!

"A little ignorance can go a long way!"

"All I ask is the opportunity to prove that money wont buy me happiness!"

"A pat on the back is only a few inches above a kick in the A***"

Q. What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?
A. The car salesman can probably drive!

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.
You should always give 100% at work...
12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday

Q. Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
A. He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog.

Q: What do you call someone who gets drunk and kicks lumps out of Daleks?
A: Dr Whooligan!!

Did you hear about the the poor guy who couldn't pay his Exorcist's bill? He ended up having his house repossessed!

Q: What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who waits up all night wondering if there really is a DOG!

My daughter asked me:" Dad, do all fairy stories begin with once upon a time?"
I replied : "No, most start off with " when elected I promise to....""

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?"
So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at Husband Mart and have a nice day.

Q. Which monarch invented fractions?
A. Henry the eighth!

A man goes to a fancy dress party with no costume only his girlfriend on his back.
"What are you meant to be ?" asks the host.
"I am a snail" he answered.
"How can you be a snail? You've just got a girl on your back?" replies the host.
"She's not just a girl. That's Michelle!"

Previous Quotes :"When I die. I want it to be like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming and shouting like all the passengers in his car!"

"The years have been kind to me - it was the weekends that did all the damage!"

A man walks into the doctors and says: " Doctor, Doctor, you have got to help me. I keep thinking that I am a moth!"
The Doctor says " I cannot help you. You should have gone to the psychiatrist next door!"
The man replies:" I know, I only came in here because your light was on!"

I hope that at least some of these brought a smile to your face! If you want another smile, which shows why some companies need to renew their furniture more frequently than others, check out my video message. If you feel that I may be able to help in any way - please get in touch.
Who knows where this serendipity might lead.!
RG

Cartoon courtesy of Jim Barker